One More LCS

I found this one on the way to drop off food for the annual food roundup for the Broyhill Children's Home. Make sure your side doesn't split on this one...

God Wants Full Custody
Not Just A
Weekend Visit

I see the point, but I think it could be expressed a tad more tactfully.

More LCS...

If it was not for lousy church signs, lately I would have nothing to post, so here is the latest edition.

Pergamos
Unholy Compromises
Please join us!

I would imagine that the average unbeliever (or for that matter, the average Christian) probably knows not that Pergamos was an actual church and is the topic of that service's sermon. It seems they might only correlate the last two lines. So, come on in! Join us in those unholy compromises! And the second,

Spring
God's Greeting Card to Us

And what is summer? A love letter? Sigh...

More Lousy Church Signs...

...courtesy of my mother-in-law.

This one I have seen before. It is tried and hackneyed, but it still surprises me that some churches post it.

God is like GE.
He brings good things to life.

Take-offs on commercial jingles are a bit old. Like a good neighbor, God is there, ya know? And you're in good hands with...God!

And the second just made me guffaw.

God is good.
You can be too.

And if you try reeeeeal hard, God will give you a stick of candy. Until next time, this has been another edition of LCS!

Lousy Church Signs

Its been a long time since the last installment of lousy church signs, but I found a couple today that warrant posting--stupid, senseless, and a waste of good church sign space.

God's Stimulus Plan
The Rapture

Makes no sense at all whatsoever. Unless you mean the cottage industry that has made millions off the rapture, then we might be getting somewhere.

Does your tongue
need healing?

What? Perhaps if this was on a Pentecostal or charismatic church sign, I might understand, but it was on a Baptist one. Some signs need an asterisk at the bottom to fill us ignoramuses in on what in the world the sign means.

Lousy Church Signs!!!

I have to start out with the recent flap down in Jonesville, SC with the Church of God pastor who placed on their church sign:

Obama, Osama
Hummm
Are they brothers?

Several friends and even my dear, dear sweet mother-in-law emailed to let me know about this one and I waited around to see what the church decided to do about it. As I understand, the church decided unanimously to keep the sign up but then by this past Tuesday afternoon, due to public pressure, the pastor decided to take it down. Good blog friend Streak posted on this one as it broke the news, so I let my commentary rest.

The next one incorporates the new teen text messaging vernacular with Holy Writ.

Read the Bible
The Holy Spirit Will
Send You a Txt Msg

And maybe He will be your BFF 2. Then this one, a new twist on divine math, with hackneyed spelling to boot:

Tuff Love
1 Cross
3 Nails

Nope, no "4 Given" in that one. Guess that part wasn't important enuff to put on the sign. This next one I link from a friend's blog who has got some guts to post this sign. After posting he emailed to let me know about it; I commented on his chutzpah. Well, as luck (or fate, or chance, or whatever) would have it, another friend sent me this one! So, in response to brother Chris' lousy church sign, Ewwwwwww!!!


I know, this one just about crosses the line--it ain't fit to be on a sign, much less reposted on a blog. (Incidentally, Evangelism Coach is the best evangelism blog you will read on the net.) A few more to round the post out, sans my wit:

God Does Not
Believe in Atheists
Therefore Atheists
Do Not Exist

Forgive Your
Enemies--It Messes
With Their Heads

Free Coffee
Everlasting Life
Yes Membership Has
Its Privileges

Don't Be So
Open-Minded
Your Brains
Fall Out

God So Loved the World
That He Didn't
Send a Committee

Believe it or not, that one was on a Disciples of Christ church sign, and NOT BAPTIST!! (Oops, I said I wasn't going to commentate...or something...) This next one never gets old.

Read the Bible-It Will
Scare the Hell Out of You

This one is my favorite in this installment of LCS, and on an Assembly of God church sign!

Artificial Intelligence
Is No Match For
Natural Stupidity

Oh, and by the way, you can create your own church signs now! Too much fun. Too much.

SPLAT!

Plus, Ill top it off with a few lousy church signs, in honor of the fact that I do not post out here like I should.

Need a Second Opinion?
Ask Jesus!

So much for "Seek first..."; you know the rest. And you've got to love homonyms; even the overused ones. Always good for church signs.This first one I cannot believe still makes it on church signs.

No Jesus? No peace.
Know Jesus? Know peace!

And...

Our Sundays are better than Baskin Robbins.

Now I don't want to go to church or get ice cream. This next pastor has some life issues.

Life stinks
But we have the pews for you.

Yeah, I cannot believe that one was on a church sign either. And from the same church:

Behind every good man
is a surprised mother-in-law.

Yep; some serious life issues. If I had something against my mother-in-law, I would just say it to her face; no way would I use the church's sign to air my grievances with her. Oh wait...

And for the 2008 presidential race...

God loves you
and He approved this message.

And with that, I bid you adieu...

Doing Better Than I Deserve

Our transition is almost complete. I have been out of blogville for a while but am glad to be back at it. I return as the new pastor of Grandview Baptist Church in Waynesville, NC and am glad to be so. Please pray for me and the new church as we make this transition. My prayer is to glorify the Lord in all that I do here. There seems to be much work to do and I look forward to jumping in with both feet and doing the work of the Lord in a new place of service.

There are many new things about this area we are excited about, many changes to our lifestyle that will be welcome, and "town living". We were literally seventeen miles from the nearest grocery store at the old charge; now we are about a mile and a half from Ingle's grocery store, the grocery store of my youth. That is another thing we are thrilled about--being closer to family. My folks are only about an hour away from us, as opposed to the six that we were. My wife's parents are about an hour and forty-five away. I'll keep you posted as the work progresses from time to time on the blog but prayerfully a new post will be up so we can all start talking again.

While I have been away, I was asked to do something for a fellow blogger. Pastor Chris out at the Evangelism Coach asked me to plug his book giveaway. No man should have six bookshelves of books on evangelism so he is giving some away. All you have to do is sign up for his free newsletter and you're registered.

Also, Selah V, one of my favorite bloggers and dear friend tagged me for a dadgum meme. I'll get her back, that is for sure. The rules are as follows:

First, you need to pick up the book nearest to you which has 123 pages or more (no cheating!) Did you see that? NO CHEATING. The book nearest you, right now as you are reading this page.

* Find page 123
* Find the first five sentences
* Post the next three sentences
* Tag five people

OK--the book nearest me at the time was He that is Spiritual by Lewis Sperry Chafer and on page 123, the three sentences I post for your reading enjoyment are:

The judgment belonged to us; but He became our Substitute. We are thus counted as co-partners in all that our Substitute did. What He did, forever satisfied the righteous demands of God agianst the "old man" and opened the way for a "walk" well-pleasing with God (see II Corinthians 5:15).

Since I love Selah dearly, I participate but I reserve the right not to tag anybody!!! (Heh.) Besides, I have been out of the blogosphere for so long, someone might get upset if I tag them without any substantial material to legitimize myself for being out here.

The last order of business is a lousy church sign. I think all my regular readers know my penchant for them and goodness, the church that called me HAS A SIGN! And lo, they cannot beat this for sheer, unadulterated lousiness. What are they thinking? They'll be fortunate if anyone comes to church now.


(Couldn't resist; LOL!!!)

Lousy Church Signs

A good friend who knows my love and disdain for lousy church signs passed these along to me for publishing to the blog, so I know not from whence they came. Both signs prove that plays on words really should be disallowed from church signs altogether. The first is a Christmas holdover:

Wise Men Followed the Star
Now They Follow the Son

The "sun/son" play on words never gets old, does it? The next one turns the eternal kingdom into a weather forecast.

Heavenly Forecast
Jesus Reigns Forever

So Jesus is going to drip water into all eternity? Yeah, I know, that commentary is just as lame as the sign, but my usual wit was overcome by the lousiness of the sign. Perhaps you can do better!

Lousy Church Sign

This has got to be the dead-level, lousiest church sign I have ever seen. While traveling in SC visiting family, we came across this sign. I wanted to post it before I forgot it.

Happy Birthday Son

-God

Something Gross, Something Funny, and Something Amazing

First, something gross.

Not too long ago I stepped over to the church office from home to make a few copies for homeschooling purposes. When I arrived, one of the sweet ladies who gives of her time to clean the facilities was there. I stopped in the sanctuary for a moment to speak with her and exchange pleasantries. She was hard at work polishing the backs of the pews. It did not immediately register to me what she was polishing the pews with until I walked up and greeted her. As she sprayed the polish on the pews, she was rubbing it in with a pair of men's underwear.

I have learned a lot about frugality at the church I serve, from seeing used Ziplock bags washed and propped up on a dish drainer to dry, muffins brought to a fellowship on a meat tray, to some folks who drive cars that are twenty years old or older. But I just talked with her like polishing furniture with a pair of worn out men's underwear was the most natural thing in the world to me.

OK, something funny.

I haven't posted any lousy church signs in a while because I have not seen anything relatively original in its level of lousiness, just more and more of the same. However, this one I saw on an independent, fundamental baptist church a couple of days ago.

Take Christ out of Christmas and
all you're left with is _ _ _ _ _ _ mas.

Those independent, fundamentals do tend to be fairly literal in their approach.

Now--something amazing.

Last week my good friend and fellow blogger Steve Sensenig posted on a topic that I had been mulling over for a while, particularly since I had been doing some private study on spiritual gifts for Wednesday evening services. In response to a request from another blogger, Steve posted on the topics of miracles and particularly healings, to which much of the discussion turned. (You can find the posts here, here, and here.) I won't get into the bulk of Steve's arguments because I would much rather you go there and read them for yourselves, giving him the hit counts he deserves.

I will say though that Steve's primary contention, and I believe it, was that healings are part of the Gospel message and serve a much greater purpose than just authentication. Healings are just as valid today as they were during Christ's time on earth and it is God's will that we be healed of our diseases and infirmities. Further, nowhere in Scripture is anyone ever told "no" to a healing request and Christ even healed some who didn't ask.

I haven't nearly shared the bulk of Steve's arguments but only to lead to this point. My wife has had kidney stone trouble for years. In summer 2003 she had a delicate operation where a stone was directly removed from her kidney. Since then, kidney stones have been a constant worry. Since our last baby was born, and even before the delivery, she has had a stone that has bothered her intermittently. Sometimes she has just been uncomfortable, other times she has been in severe pain.

This had been going on for over five months. Then I read Steve's posts on miracles, threw my two cents worth in the comment thread, and Steve helped me think through some things. I discovered my views on healings were not entirely biblical. I didn't tell my wife that I had been thinking and pondering and searching Gods' heart on this matter.

Late last week, I began to pray in accords with what I had learned from the Lord through Brother Steve. I claimed no promises, placed no obligation upon God, nor did I "pray in faith," as the faith healers say is necessary. I simply prayed, knowing what I now know about the character of God and His desires regarding physical healings.

My wife went to the doctor last week, had a culture done, and then this past Monday had an ultrasound. Leaving the hospital Monday she called me on the way out the door. There was no kidney stone. When we hung up, I wept and whispered a prayer of gratitude. Like I said, something amazing. I am still assimilating it all and I'm not sure how to completely respond; right now just in thanksgiving and praise.

Another Offering

Of Lousy Church Signs! This one smacks of elitism and Christian superiority, akin to "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."

Heaven: a prepared place for a prepared people

I have no problem with the theology behind the statement but we don't want to use heaven as a badgering point for calling people to repentance and faith in Christ; especially not on a potential first point of contact with unbelievers.

The second is an offering from brother Ron Jackson, emailed to me over six weeks ago. I apologize brother Ron! It got caught up in my inbox and underneath a flurry of email I lost it until today when I was cleaning out the inbox. There shouldn't be several hundred messages in one inbox!

I'm not quite so sure. Google is kind of like Wal-Mart; if they ain't got it, you don't need it. If you can't find it on Google, you can't find it, right? Right? Anyone?

Lousy Church Signs Continued...

OK, OK. I'm on a roll again. I can't help it. I spent about six hours in the car today making hospital visits and the church signs were just ripe for the picking. On a Baptist (ironic, huh?) church sign:

We'll care about you.

As opposed to whom? It must be that other church. (Shhhhh...you know which one I'm talking about!!) Like I've said before, if you have to put it on the sign...

God gave us faces.
We create our expressions.

At least God didn't create church signs. Because I couldn't imagine He could be responsible for such lousy "expressions" on them. This next one takes the cake. My first question is, why do you need a banner in addition to a marquee? Are you multiplying lousiness?

Wednesday, October 31st 4-7 PM
Family Fun
and a
Holy Ghost Wienie Roast

I can't comment. I just can't. I'm wiping the tears from my eyes.

Lousy Church Signs

It has been quite some time since my latest offering of lousy church signs. Here are a few for your Wednesday. This one my wife found on the new "worship center" downtown.

Let your life match your lip.

Interesting diversion from "practice what you preach." Its good they didn't lose the alliteration. That is always important.

This one belongs in the "so sweet it will make you sick" category.

The next time you are reluctant to change,
think of the beauty of autumn.

Awww. It makes me want to get a new hair-do. And this one comes from my good blog friend Chris, The Evangelism Coach. And its OK to laugh out loud!

So, verbal adjective or adjectival verb? You make the call!

The Hits Just Keep on Comin'

Friends and family are catching on with this church sign thing. I really need to post something of substance but man, these are just too much fun. Blog friend with the solid, respectable name of Gordon Cloud dropped this beaut in the comment thread of my last post and it is too lousy to let it sit in there and rot, so I brought it out for the world to behold its lousiness.

Even Jesus had a fish story.

My response mirrors Gordon's. Huh?

And my dear, sweet, loving, mother-in-law emailed me this one, horrid as it is.

Sunday School, Worship, and a Sweet Afternoon Nap. Priceless.

Mother-in-law replied to just combine worship and the nap and you got the afternoon free. I say don't give them any ideas.

Keep 'em comin'!

More Lousy Church Signs

If you are saying I should begin a whole 'nother blog for lousy church signs, its already been done, so, I cannot in good conscience do that. However, I can in good conscience post these, the first from a Baptist church in Lynchburg, VA.

Just because you were made from the dirt
don't mean you got to wallow in it.

Sound theology, bad grammar, and a pig reference; all in one sign. I wonder how they do it.

And this self-motivational piece on the local Pentecostal Church:

It is better to try and fail than to fail to try.

Thank you for that wisdom, Mr. Miyagi. Or was it Master Yoda?

Knowing my penchant for lousy church signs, blog friend Chris out at Evangelism Coach emailed me this one; it made my day! Though it isn't a church sign, it is lousy nonetheless.

In case you cannot read it, it says "Prebuy The Rapture Today." Funny, I didn't know you could get reserved seating at Family Christian Stores for that. I'll be by to pick up mine "Soon", I mean, I wouldn't want to get "Left Behind" or anything.

Thanks, Chris!

Not just Lousy...Pathetic!

My disdain for church signs has grown by leaps and bounds, but these two really do not help my outlook nor help me to search for some redemptive quality in them.

Prevent truth decay.
Brush up on your Bible.

Clever, that one is. This one is worse.

The Great Physician heals Sunday sickness.

But is He out of the office on Monday through Saturday? What if I am stricken with a severe case of Monday melancholy? Or afflicted with the Tuesday tantrums? Or Wednesday woes? I'm going to stop now, I'm making my own self sick.

Lousy!

The new "worship center" church sign in town really turns my giggle box over, as my grandmother used to say.

Don't fit a big God in a small dream.

It sounds like a name it and claim it kind of thing to me. If you aren't receiving enough (or an abundance), then you are claiming too little.

Though the second one is simply an announcement on one of the local rural churches, I had a vision of dismembered kids flying everywhere (sorry, I do have a sick sense of humor sometimes).

Saturday August 25th
Back to School Youth Explosion!

Not to mention the sign is outdated, a no-no in all the church sign manuals.

Lousier and Lousier...

While in Richmond, I spotted a church sign that made me laugh out loud after my initial thought. My oldest daughter thought it was right funny, too.

Play it Safe
Take God on Vacation

Yeah, but how do you get Him to fit in the suitcase?

This one was found in town. Sound bytes are our culture's way of communication now and though nothing is inherently wrong with the sign, even being theologically correct, it aggravates me nonetheless. It sounds like a lazy preacher's Saturday night special.

Life is Short.
Death is Sure.
Sin is the Cause.
Jesus is the Cure.

And if you take 3 nails and add 1 cross you get 4-given. Lord, deliver us from church sign lunacy.

Lousy Church Sign

I know, I know, don't say it...I found this one in town on the new "Worship Center" church (name withheld because, well, you know why.)

Don't get into debt
Act your wage

Clever! The principle is a good one, definitely, but is this the message of Christ to an unbelieving world, to get out of financial debt? I guess we are all confused as to the purpose of church signs. Scheduling? Announcements? Scripture messages? Or cute, clever tripe? It is as elusive as the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop. Such as this really compromises the effectiveness of a viable point of contact with your community.

Some More Lousy Church Signs

I know, I should consecrate a blog just for lousy church signs! These are HORRIBLE!

Do you have a G P S?

God's Plan of Salvation

For those who aren't techno-savvy, a GPS is a Global Positioning System. They are small, electronic devices that communicate with a geographical satellite to let you know your position literally anywhere on the planet. I would hazard to guess that out here in Mayberry, most folks just would not get the connection. (I mean, I post on DIAL-UP.) Got to realize your audience, folks!

The second one is one of these, "you think its hot here" signs. Temperatures soared into the mid 100's here yesterday, so the framers of this sign must have thought it apropos, though I just haven't wrapped my brain around the significance of the number yet. I post it as it is on the sign. Any ideas?

Hell is 539 deg hot.

Funny, funny stuff!